6 Steps for Healing from Your Wounded Family

Posted by: on Aug 3, 2015 | No Comments

image (2)It’s so hard for us–being animals with overgrown brains. All of the biological systems on which we depend–our bodies–can’t help but respond as animals do. Our bodies are on the look-out to see if we’re safe, if we’re going to get enough of what we need…and we can’t help but subscribe so much significance to our lives. Our lives ARE significant–to us at least–to others who love us–but what do we do when our tribe, our village, our family, our cities don’t meet our needs?

We are animals, longing to be nestled in the dark den. Surrounded by brothers and sisters. Eating and playing. Living and growing. These are the deepest longings of our cells. If, when we’re young, we experience some lack–of safety, of food, of nurturing–we carry that through our lives searching for the pack that will give us what we never got and so desperately needed.

It may be your journey to find healing from the wounds of the family who wasn’t able to give you what they probably never had themselves. But there is a hitch. In my practice–I see people who turn again and again to those wounded families hoping for healing. Hoping for a chance to get the love and acceptance from their mothers and fathers which they didn’t get as children. But most often, unless those family members have also been on a path of growing and healing my clients are disappointed.  The mother still doesn’t stand up for her daughter, the father is still critical of his son.

What do you do when you need to heal but your family won’t give you what you need? Won’t apologize? Doesn’t even see your pain? Still believes the judgments you’ve come to internalize?

Here are some steps for moving forward:

1. Turn towards your inner child: For all the cheese of the term–it’s true. The parts of yourself that are longing for healing need attention and if your family can’t or won’t give it to you, you have to give it to yourself. Think of a young child or animal in your life whom you nurture and send that same kind of protection, empathy, and kindness to the young You.

2. Write a letter which you won’t send (unless you want to): Even if your family won’t listen and won’t understand–you need to express your disappointment, anger, righteousness, passion. Center yourself before writing this. Consider burning it ritually and sending the ashes into the ocean or some body of water…

3. Find relationships which support a new kind of family: Find friends, teachers, therapists who nurture, love, and accept you for who you are. Who communicate with you in kindness and authenticity.

4. Challenge yourself (in a kind way) to understand your own family’s wounding: It’s easy to play the internal tape of “If I was only X enough they would have loved me more (or criticized me less or whatever).” No. It’s not you. It was their job to raise you. They were your family. You ended up playing a role in the general dynamic, but it’s a parent (or guardian’s) job to keep their children safe and to nurture them. But they could only give what they had themselves. They could only teach what they understood themselves. It doesn’t make pain or abuse or neglect okay, but it is the truth about why it happens. It can be freeing to see how stuck they are and to see if you can forgive or understand how they came to be who they are.

 5. Catch yourself trying to get what you need from them if your Wise Self wants to let that go: The ego part of you (or the inner child) tends to think that their love and approval are necessary. It’s certainly a beautiful thing to get that love and approval, but if it ain’t gonna happen, it’s going to prolong the pain. This often comes in the form of unrealistic expectations for “this get-together to be different” or “this time they’ll listen and respect what I say.” Check yourself for realistic expectations.

6. Allow the feelings of pain and disappointment to be there, and then move forward into your own beautiful life with tenderness–hug the folks who are ready to hug you, and know that you are a whole, lovable person by virtue of being alive.